Jammer

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Not long ago was the 7 year anniversary of my Uncle Phillips’ death. Which is hard for me every year. I took his passing pretty hard, we had to travel to Oklahoma City where he was in the hospital. On the way back that night from the hospital I am told I was unreachable as my then fiance drove us home, he and my cousin noticed that I was not speaking except for when I saw a turn signal come on I would say
” blinky, blinky, blinky” until it went off.
I did not have a father growing up so I became very close with my uncle’s and especially with my Uncle Phillip. He was even going to drive me into my wedding on his motorcycle which was just a few months later which may have been part of why it made it even harder to loose him, I wanted him there. He had been mediflighted to the city because of a car wreck but it kind of took us by surprise that he passed because the doctors told us he was doing better.

Anyway here is one of the poems I wrote for his funeral.

(Awaiting the light)

I remember being wheeled through the doors and into a room, with many doctors and nurses around me. For many hours I have laid here with them working hard. Finally I feel myself being moved again this time I am in my own room. I’m being hooked up to many machines, they make me uncomfortable I know that my family is not in the room. Where is my family, I need my family. I try to move when I notice that I am sore from top to bottom. I feel sleepy and I can’t speak to anyone, my sisters in enter, why can’t I speak to them. They continue to try to get me to answer them. Why, why, what is wrong. Why can’t I speak. I watch is my family comes and goes for days. Early one morning I awaken to a great pain in my head. No one is around. I’m scared and alone and I can’t get anyone to hear my scream. Many hours later I’m awake and I can move. I walked down the hall and find my family, they are all standing in a small room with sad looks on their faces. I try to speak to them this time I was able to say the words, but to my dismay again they could not hear me. I begin to cry and I try to help comfort them, but it’s not working. I begin to get a warm feeling in my belly, I hear my name mentioned and again I tried to say I’m fine. I look at my wife and say I’m fine. I’m right here. When I notice someone calling my name, a voice I have never heard before. A bright light begins to shine from behind me. I turn around to see the door open, & I am instructed to enter. I finally realized what has happened, to the floor I fall begging, pleading. “Please don’t take me, they need me.” The light begins to pull me in and I turn to watch my family as I leave. Although I knew they would not hear me I called out. “goodbye, goodbye, I love you, goodbye”!

I’m loving memory of
Phillip C. Crandall        Aka Jammer

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